There is so much information out there on how to parent—or how not to! The question we often ask ourselves is, “Are we doing enough?” I would dare say we’re doing too much.
In my work with older teens (ages 16-19) and young adults (ages 20-26), I would say we could all use some assistance when it comes to guiding them. By the way, if your child’s age allows them to be on your insurance, they haven’t fully launched and still fall within this category of being under your parenting wings.
Teaching time
Adolescents and young adults often tell me that their parents don’t allow them to “do what’s needed to grow up.” Most claim their parents still do their laundry, help them register for classes, wake them up for work, or even contact their partner or best friend when there is “trouble in paradise.”
I’ve always said we’re the most involved generation of parents, and I think our kids are telling us that our efforts are mostly unnecessary.
The joys of working with this group have led me to better parenting of my own teens and young adult children. I have one child turning 21 this month, one who is a 17-year-old senior in high school, and a caboose child who is a 14-year-old freshman in high school. Talk about a life journey! Whew, it’s been a wild ride trying to figure out what is truly needed versus what I “like to do” for them. Over-involvement can feel like “showing love” but it mostly ends up enabling bad behavior in the long run. Messy behaviors to be more precise!
Different is okay!
Children naturally have this thing called “rebellion” embedded in their DNA. Keep in mind — some form of what we teach them as being important will instead be completely dismissed. They want to show us there’s more than one way to think about something or complete a task. And they want us to let go of the perfectionism they can’t achieve. So, I have often argued that using the word “preference” is a better choice with this age group. They know to interpret that word as “Mom’s trying not to lose it, so maybe I should just follow along.”
Nothing is perfect in parenting, and if you’re looking for that – well, there are other authors that suggest it’s possible. However, I’m a realist and accept the challenges my children bring me. We eventually put our heads together and find a better solution for both of us, even better than the one I originally thought would work. Surprises often pop up in parenting. Just when you think you’ve lost it, you’ve found it!
A Few Do’s and Don’ts When Parenting Older Kids
DO’S
- Respect their words and listen to them.
- Acknowledge their anger.
- Identify the actual problem.
- Encourage positive relationships.
- Be hospitable to their friends.
- Continue family rituals/celebrations.
- Process your own emotions.
- Set boundaries especially while cohabitating.
- Share your frustrations with a valid complaint.
- Explore their way of thinking with leading questions.
- Use negative reinforcements rather than punishments.
- Add more chores, decrease car use, eliminate late evenings.
- Identify your love for them.
- Find your own passions/interests.
- Speak openly about problems you recognize.
- Encourage faith/deliver messages of hope.
- Encourage further education/trade school/internships.
- Remind them to vote.
- Identify healthy social media content.
- Pray like you never have before!
DON’TS
- Interrupt them before they can voice their thoughts
- Tell them it’s irrational to be angry
- Tell them they’re just being too sensitive
- Give unsolicited advice about relationships
- Try to be friends with their friends
- Make them attend family celebrations out of guilt
- Project onto them what you think they feel
- Start every conversation with a negative point
- Enter broad criticisms/contempt
- Tell them they’re wrong when they do share their thoughts
- Take things away in anger/serve up a punishment as if they were a preschooler
- Negotiate boundaries when they are breached
- Live your life through them
- Require that they live passionately if that has not been modeled
- Criticize them for not knowing better
- Remove your love if they reject faith
- Tell them they’ll be behind their peers if they don’t know what they want by age 20
- Shame them
- Forget they are still “kids” in some ways (they may act childish at times)
- Let your voice be the loudest one in their head
Best wishes on the journey — from me to you. Parents, we are all in the trenches in one form or another. I have learned one thing that I hold most dear: “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31). We walk in honor of God’s leading, making attempts at peace-loving kindness, giving direction to our children, knowing full well that they must trust the Father with the outcomes of their lives. We can mirror that trust by simply saying, “I know it’s a tough road; I’ve been there. God is the only one who knows the plans for your life. And I promise you don’t want anything less.”