We all have a memory of a time when dating seemed to be just as simple as spending time together. Those first few “getting to know you” moments dance with excitement inside our memories, attached with emotional language and fulfillment.
However, we likely cannot recall what was said, what we wore, or even who else was in the room! Love is like that. It attaches to our memories as we identify a construct (building block) to recall for a later time.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I meet a fair amount of people who feel they have lost the ability to “date their spouse.” As they allow me to step into their relational constructs, I usually find a common thread.
Positive emotions surface quickly when we discuss memories of how their relationship began. A smile or glimmer of hope is restored when we begin describing our people and places of attachment.
But sadly, these warm feelings can get lost in the muck of our day-to-day routines.
Have you lost that loving feeling?
“Dating” our spouse can be tricky. It’s a vulnerability of sorts. Whether we’ve lived with the same person for over half our life—or just a few months—we can end up with negative constructs. I’m referring to places we often get “hung up” with disappointments and challenges that life brings along. This is completely normal—and can be fixed!
We are wired to have memory. We wouldn’t be able to learn or grow without our recollections. Fortunately, we are in control of our constructs (building blocks), and we can implement change within our relationships with a slight shift in perspective.
Think about LEGO® building blocks. They come with instructions and one version of the “construct” but if you’re like me, you would rather purchase the one that has three optional building projects. The same pieces can fit together to create different objects.
In the same way, we have the ability to take our memories, reassure ourselves of the validity of our experiences, and “begin again.”
Dating your spouse is more than spending time together. It’s a healthy way of resetting the purpose of your relationship. If you have children, you know how difficult it is to get time away. However, this does not prevent you from being able to “date” one another—even in a crowded room.
Four essential C’s to dating your spouse:
- Closeness
- Common Interests
- Current News
- Combined Needs
These points can be prioritized once a day, once a week, or even once a month.
The first essential is “closeness.” I mean this word to be exactly what it sounds like. Get close! Sit on the same side of the booth, couch, or hold hands while talking in the car. Affection is a language in and of itself. We have the opportunity to show what we feel, even if we aren’t very skilled at saying it. Affection = attention. Be responsive when you’re physically close. Speak with kindness, and remember to find a “positive construct” or memory of a time you really enjoyed together.
Secondly, try and incorporate “common interests.” This could be as simple as laughing about the most recent family dinner disaster or sharing about a book you’ve been reading, a new show you’re interested in watching together, or how your spouse has been a great encouragement to you. Common interests can be intellectual, recreational, or spiritual. “What do we share? How can we build on that? What new activity should we try?” Sometimes that’s difficult to find if you’ve felt disconnected for a while so revert back to the first ‘C’ and just reveal how it feels to just be close again. Those words of affirmation are certainly a “common interest” when rebuilding your love.
The third C is “Current News.” Now, this may seem silly, however, it’s one of the greatest communication keys to attachment—connecting your relationship to what is “present” in your world, your thoughts, and your life. This is a way of revealing self-interests or promoting areas of your life you feel passionately about. It’s less about “reminiscing” and more about “restructuring” a new platform where we are engaged in discussion or new experiences. You shouldn’t be too hard on yourself or your spouse if this does not come easily at first because it takes practice. And again, if trouble arises, just go back to step one!
Finally — we arrive at our fourth ‘C’ which is “Combined Needs.” This is such an important step to initiate contact and conversation that proposes the idea of “How can I better meet your needs? How do you like these talks we are having or new places we are experiencing together?”
The invitation to connect with our spouse is a valiant response in protecting and preserving all that is good about our marriage, so try to:
- Be available and attentive
- Act reassuringly through positive communication and interaction
- Invest in “intentional questioning” to stay connected
- Accept that not everything is perfect, but delight in working on it together
Simply put—don’t forget your life companion! It’s easy to get so busy with kids, work, the gym, other responsibilities that we miss the emotional attachment partnership that God intends. The Lord knew we would grow tired, and bored at times! That’s why He gave us each other to shake things up and make us think outside the box of what drew us together in the first place. These are the root essentials of dating our spouse again. Have fun with it!