Watching the above video may feel very familiar to you. Most of us assume that listening should be a skill that we’re naturally gifted with; after all, we use the senses of sight, taste, smell and touch rather effortlessly. Listening, though, is much different than hearing. Hearing just happens while listening is a conscious effort to be present and fully absorb and process what you are hearing.
Here are some quick tips to get you on the path to being a great listener (per Dr. John Gottman, Marriage expert and researcher):
- Put your own agenda on the back burner (like fixing the problem or what you perceive the problem to be). Hear and then summarize the content of the speaker’s story.
- Try and identify what the speaker is feeling. See if you can name the emotion. For example: “You sound frustrated by that situation” or “Wow, are you as surprised as you sound?”
- Validate the speaker by completing the sentence “It makes sense that you would feel that way because…..”
- Ask questions! Open ended questions (those that can’t be answered by a ‘yes’ or ‘no’) will surely make the speaker feel that you’re truly interested and curious about their story. An example might be: “What was that like?” or “What do you think you should do next?”
Start small! Even adding one or two of the above tips can make a difference; small changes can lead to BIG results. When you get one “tip” down then add another…..
By the way, the above video is not gender exclusive! All people desire to be heard and understood. I have often failed to be present for my spouse’s story due to my “fixation on fixing” the proverbial nail in his forehead. The above tips will also help raise emotionally intelligent children who will be able to, in turn, become great listeners. Listen well, love well….